Lattes with the Lord

These past few weeks, the brokenness of the world has become more and more evident. I have seen heartbreak and frustration. I have seen destruction tear apart this country. It is heart-wrenching to watch. It is difficult to see the good in a time like this where people are in pain because they feel unseen, unheard, and unknown. I have been contemplating how to approach racial issues. I always felt that my input did not matter because I am a 20-year-old white girl who has grown up with a lot of privilege. When it came to a time where I had the potential to insert my opinion or beliefs, I would choose to stay silent because I was afraid of the judgment I would receive for not being educated or knowing the struggle, so I would listen. These people were right. I do not know the struggle, and I will never pretend to. I can empathize, but I will never fully understand what it is like to be a black person here in America.  In all honesty, I have a lot of mixed emotions about everything th...

During this time of social distancing and solitude, I have been thinking a lot. This is both good and bad. I have been thinking a lot about the person I am, who I want to become, and if she is good enough. Do people like her? Will she be able to achieve her dreams? Is she a “good” person? And then the anxiety comes. Sometimes it comes in waves and then sometimes it’s a truckload. These thoughts have no foundation. Yet, I feel like I am surrounded by four walls that cannot be torn down. I want them to crumble to the ground, but how do you do that from standing on the inside? Each wall symbolizes a different area in life-based on relationships: family, friends, myself, and romantic interests. The walls are more of an identity crisis than anything. It’s my lack of confidence in many relationships that keep them up. I’m never really sure if the people in my life want to be there. I put up walls so that I do not get hurt, but it happens anyway. It’s the relationship with myself that gets ...

When I was in middle school, I was obsessed with The Hunger Games . They were my favorite movies, and I would eagerly anticipate the new movies and reread the book when waiting for them to come out. I recently rewatched them since being at home and there was a line that stuck out to me. It is this: hope is the only thing stronger than fear. Fear has been a big theme in my life recently. I am constantly living in fear and questioning everything. What if I am missing out? What if I say too much? What if I don’t say enough? What if nobody likes me? What if I am not pretty enough? Good enough? Fill in the blank. These are questions I have found myself dwelling on the past few months. They consumed my mind and have sent me into a downward spiral of an identity crisis. It has led me to question who I am and who I want to become, and I get really frustrated with myself. It honestly seems like an endless cycle of defeating thoughts and impossible situations. This has led me to a buttload o...

My church helps serve at another church/ministry known as The Bridge. This church offers a place of safety and love for people in Chicago who are experiencing homelessness, recovering from addictions, or recently released from prison. Most of these people come from difficult backgrounds and have recently come to know Jesus. I have gone to this ministry a few times throughout late middle school and high school, but tonight I got to meet a man named Sean. When I arrive at a new place, it takes me a while until I feel comfortable. I have to feel it out and get the vibe of the people I am around. I was greeting people as they walked in, but arrived late to that job because I was getting a bit of a refresher on how things are run at this church. I had some nice conversations with the people I was greeted with and it helped me feel a sense of comfort. When we were told to go find seats for the service, I was unsure of where to go. I saw a man sitting by himself. He was dressed in red an...

Lately, I have been thinking about relationships. I have been thinking about my friends, and how they influence and impact my life daily. I have been thinking about my family and the beautiful dysfunction that happens within it. I have been thinking about my connection with God, and how my other relationships affect my relationship with Him. I have been doing a lot of thinking and my brain is starting to hurt so here it goes. As humans, we overcomplicate almost every relationship we have. We cause problems and make excuses. We are passive-aggressive and avoid confrontation. We love selfishly and conditionally. The people we surround ourselves with form us into the type of people we become. I am a firm believer that the people in my life should push me to be better as I should push them to be better. If I am constantly in a state of confusion and doubt with someone, we are longer helping each other grow to be the best version of ourselves. With all that being said, I am friends wit...